Raining

‎"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." -Henry W. Longfellow

I saw this in a friend's status and just had to reflect on it. I'm taking it in reference to my current life, not the weather patterns (because there is not a drop in sight in Charlotte).

I am a mover, a shaker, a doer. I make plans, I follow said plans. I get really bent out of shape when plans do not formulate, when I have to depend on others to make plans (because it seems they never do). I am not saying I am inflexible (although that's the way it seems). I am a flexible individual. One thing I've learned over the years of being s short-term missionary is "Semper Gumby" (taking a page from the Marines)...Always flexible. It really seems like when my personal life is not happening according to MY plan (God who?) that things are really bad. And I think God is trying to teach me this right now.

I find it terribly ironic that in this insane financial climate we live in today I got a job immediately out of graduate school (which I was confident I would, which was part of MY plan), only to find that I am broke. Actually past broke, horribly in debt and losing my mind over it. I described it the other day as being stuck in the undertow in the ocean. Swimming parallel to shore, and praying fiercely to not get a cramp and get sucked out to sea. I am close to drowning...and I have a JOB! Seriously???

I won't go into the details because they are just downright hairy. But here I sit, and no guarantee of if/when things will improve. For the last 2 weeks I have been having "mini" panic attacks (I feel safe saying mini, I've had the real thing...not even close). This week I chose and claimed "awesome," as my chiropractor suggested (love that man). As in, "this week will be awesome" (difficult to repeat on a Monday morning), "I WILL have an awesome day." Nothing spectacular has occurred, but I have felt more at peace and I think God gave me an idea for some help yesterday.

All this to say I love rain (unlike some people I know), I find it beautiful and cleansing. But I tend to shy away from the emotional/physical/financial rains that sometimes come. So here I sit, I say bring the rain Lord, thank you for the rain. Please cleanse me with the rain and help new growth within me to absorb the rain. Reign in me.

Seperate lives

Today is Lindsey's 22nd birthday. I know we are only 2.5 years apart, but it is so odd to be that she is 22 (perhaps because she still has her uber-skinny 16 year old body). I've been thinking alot lately about the changes adulthood brings. Shiny billboard example with sparkling lights: My parents just made a huge decision. (Don't worry, nothing dangerous, and no, I'm not telling, it's not my secret to tell). The kind of decision that would have changed alot in high school, and now...it just doesn't even matter. Actually, it's kind of nice knowing whatever decisions they make do not affect me anymore. Now this decision could involve alot of "sweat equity" on my part, but I am free to tell them no and continue on with my life (read: won't happen, even when I say no I still help, it's just in my nature).

My point being it's as though the "separation" from my parents I worked so hard to create all through college has magically appeared with little effort on my part. Had I known it was this simple I would have stopped trying years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, probably more now than in recent years, but it has taken several years for me to understand several things about my past, my parents, and just come to an acceptance of it all. And now, it's nice to be on the other side of the parental struggles. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's nice to finally have that separation.

Newly Minted Blog

Here goes nothing. And I'll be honest from the get go. This could literally be nothing. But I hope to prove myself wrong. See, here's the history: I was never good at a diary, but I love to write out my thoughts. Actually I find it quite cleansing and therapeutic. My freshman year of college I got into the whole Xanga craze and did really good at maintaining that blog. So good in fact that I still keep myself logged in, in the hopes that one day I will write a book about my freshman year of college (that and my 8th grade year, but they are totally unrelated and would be completely different stories).

Which reminds me, I have approximately 4-5 different book ideas floating around my head at any given time. I don't know if I'll ever write one, or if I do, if I'd ever publish it, or even let someone else read it.

Back to the task at hand. Alot of people I know have blogs right now. Heck, I have a blog right now. I just want a way to connect with everyone, like they are connecting. I'm also hoping to detangle my often tangled thoughts. So I guess I'm saying, thank you for being brave enough for reading this far, and wish me luck with continuing this blog!